My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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