I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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