Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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