the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
