they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
