If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize