People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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