i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
