buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
