i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
