Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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