How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
