im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
