How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
