Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
