I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
