He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
where are my eyebrows?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
