dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
