I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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