Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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