god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There r osticjed everywhere
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
