so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
