Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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