Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
