i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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