he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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