does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
