I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
