You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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