I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
