Swine flu is the new snow day.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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