Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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