I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
