i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
