i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
