Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
