Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
