so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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