Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
