my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize