On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
