dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
handjob tips. give me some.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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