Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
