It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
