every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
