I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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