i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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