I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
