i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
