She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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