2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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