Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
