Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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