my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
