he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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