i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
