y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
