She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
