I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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